New Treatment

Lately I've been doing phenomenal, a minor setback at few weeks ago, but because of that, I learned why I was (and have been for years) feeling so sick randomly. -- First, my lip goes extremely pale, and a few years ago I realized this happens when my top most vertebrae is off. This time though, I noticed my brain function went down, and started having thoughts that I would not consider my own. I never had noticed that all these things were linked together, since for years so many other .. problems were going on at the same time.

Now I'm going through new treatment to get my muscles to do what they are suppose to. Wake up some that haven't been doing their work, and turn off other that have been doing all the work for over 7 years. It is one of the most painful processes I've been through, though, I know it will be worth it.

Did you know you are suppose to actually be able to get your ear relatively close to your shoulder when you bend it? Mine is about 5 inches away.. I had realized that my muscles seem to feel like they are going to snap, but hadn't realized it doesn't have to be that way.

For the first few times, my chiropractor just tried to waken up the muscles, on the inside, behind the vertebrae to wake up... meaning, he had to move my trachea slightly and rub against the inside of my neck. Such a weird feeling. -- And I thought that was uncomfortable..

Yesterday he really worked on loosening up my shoulder/neck muscles, to give me more movement. -- I have a high tolerance for pain, and my god OW! My muscles have been that way for over 7 years, and trying to get them to calm down is extremely painful... But man, could I move my neck more afterwards!

I expected to be sore, uncomfortable, and maybe in a little pain.... I did not expect to have hot and cold flashes, panic attacks, headaches, exhaustion, lack of motivation... But now that I think of it, all these chemicals that have been in my muscles for so long are now released, no wonder I feel so off!

Its hard because I'm in school and had to do a 3 hour class in Biology, trying to pay attention and keep a smiling face on.. it did not work. My study group started to look worried, kept asking if I was sure I was feeling okay... I'm not use to people noticing. I'm so good at acting "normal" that it really freaks me out when people start getting worried...because it means that I must really look bad.

One of the girls asked me what I do when this happens, pain meds? I mean, yeah I took advil, but that more just takes the uncomfortable portion away.. it doesn't take away the weird chemicals going on in my body.. All I can do is take a nap and hope I feel better when I wake up.

The worst part is that I feel fine -- sort of! I was understanding what was happening in Bio, where the girl next to me is floundering! I feel like I could study more, do more..... but the moment I walk out of bio I start hyperventilating, and crying. My body feels weird, I keep feeling like ice is running through my veins, then hot water the next moment. My brain hurts... but I am functioning well.

I DON'T GET IT! Its so frustrating. All my caretakers/doctors see that I'm doing so much better, so its hard for them to understand that yes, I feel good, but I also feel so incredibly wrong. They are just so happy that I'm leaps and bounds better than I was even a year ago. I'm just so confused, my body is confused, and I hate it. I hate it so much.

But can I really complain? I'm almost a full time student for the first time since my TBI, I've got straight A's, I have great friends, I have great stamina. I'm learning about why I get start feeling sick, and now have the chance to really fix it. -- So why so I feel so miserable? Why do I keep crying?

I want to just put on my happy face and go to study group later today. -- And I probably will because I love study group, and to pretend its not all that bad, which may be ruined now because my study group have now seen me when I'm not doing well.. I just didn't have the energy this morning to pretend.. GAH!!!